SMOKEY THE BLOND
One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a
Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the
Georgia line, the first Trooper, a blond, quickly pulled over.
The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Hey Sarge, why did you stop?"
The Sarge replied, "You stupid rookie! That guy's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name all the state capitals!"
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
Well, the first one is tired of being on the island, so she wishes to go back home. POOF!! She disappears.
The second one said she, too, is tired of the island, and wishes to go home. POOF!! She too disappears.
The genie then turns to the last Blonde and asks her what her wish is. "Gee," she says, "I'm awfully lonely here by myself. I wish my friends were still here ..."
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow," so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow," so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes."
The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Hey Sarge, why did you stop?"
The Sarge replied, "You stupid rookie! That guy's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."
The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle, and she jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place. The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting, "22, 22, 22…"
Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
B: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
P: "Uh ... How's that working?"
B. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
P. "And why do you think that is?"
B. "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign here," she put Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were committed around the home, she moved.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the
YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?
Because it said "concentrate"
Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
They're too hard to retrain.
What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
What is the mating call of a blonde?
"I'm sooooo drunk!"
What is a brunette's mating call?
"Have all the blondes gone home?"
What does a smart blonde and a UFO have in common?
You are always hearing about them, but you never actually see
one.
Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.
What's the definition of eternity?
4 blondes at a 4-way stop
What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
An air pocket.
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training.
What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A whine cellar
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
"This goes in front"
Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
Did you hear about the blonde who was sniffing Nutrasweet?
She thought it was Diet Coke.
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"OH, LOOK! Donut seeds!!"
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"How can I be sure it's mine?"
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower?
The green "WELCOME" mat is ripped all to shreds.
How do blondes commit suicide?
They put spikes on their shoulder pads.
Why are blondes like turtles?
Once they're on their back, they're screwed.
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
Both are empty from the neck up.
How do you confuse a blonde?
Give her a pack of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical
order.
Why don't blondes like pickles?
They keep getting their heads stuck in the jar.
What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes?
"Interpreter."
What does a blonde say first thing in the morning?
"Are all you guys on the same team?"
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
100 - one to stir and 99 to peel the M&M's.
How can you tell when a blonde has used your computer?
There's "White-Out" all over the screen.
Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm.
How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in her ear.
How does a blonde turn on the light in the morning?
She opens the car door.
What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
You know how many men went down on the Titanic.
Why did 18 blondes go to the R-rated movie?
Because they heard that under 17 was not admitted.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing out the W's.
What do most blondes have against condoms?
Their cheeks.
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
The winner of a "Hide and Seek" game.
What goes "VROOOM... SCREECH! VROOOM... SCREECH! VROOOM...
SCREECH!"?
A blonde at a flashing red light.
Why can't blondes use birth control pills?
They keep falling out.
How does a blonde hemophiliac treat herself?
Acupuncture.
Why does a blonde eat beans on Saturday?
So she can take a bubble bath on Sunday.
Why did the blonde have a hysterectomy?
She wanted to stop having grandchildren.
Why was the blonde two hours late getting home?
The escalator got stuck.
Why did the blonde stay up all night studying?
She had a urine test the next day.
Why didn't the blonde vote?
She didn't care who got in.
Why was the blonde housewife mad at her husband?
He was out shooting craps and she didn't know how to cook them.
The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks." The other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks!"
They argued for quite a while. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.
"Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last Supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left."
An hour later the Captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left."
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day."
"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"
"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
"There are only three doors in here," she sobbed. "One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde. I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's
ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section
mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, "If you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be OK??"
"No," exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that her mom died, too!!"
The dentist thought to himself, "Well, I'll let her keep that on for a while as it obviously relaxes her."
He proceeded to examine her teeth. When it came time to take new x-rays, however, he told her he needed her to remove the Walkman.
"NO, NO, NO," she cried, "Please don't. I really need to keep it on."
"But, I can't continue working with that thing on your head," replied the dentist.
"Oh, you must find a way," she said. "I really have to have it."
The dentist was losing his patience, and snarled through clenched teeth, "I must take this thing off." He snatched the Walkman from her head, flung it to his assistant, and continued working.
His patient sat straight and still. Then, a few minutes later, she suddenly, without warning, just slumped in the chair, her head rolling to one side, not breathing. Dead.
"What?" thought the dentist. "What have I done? What has gone wrong?" He checked his needles, and his pastes, and his gas, and his instruments. All in order.
"What possibly could have happened? A heart attack in one so young? An allergy?"
Then, he spotted her Walkman, picked it up, put on the headphones, and heard, "Breathe in..., breathe out..."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up!" The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up!" This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blonds laying sod across the street."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly--from the sky--a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blond, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No. This is the Manager of the Ice Rink!"
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Brunette: I'll have a B and C.
Bartender: What's a B and C?.
Brunette: Bourbon and Coke.
Redhead: I'll have a G and T.
Bartender: What's a G and T?
Redhead: Gin and tonic.
Blonde: I'll have a 15.
Bartender: What's a 15?
Blonde: Seven and Seven
The first brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back."
The other brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I conceived while I was on top."
The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"
While on this ride, she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to take in their beauty. She noticed the farmer just standing there watching too. She walked up to him asked some questions on raising sheep. She then asked, "If I can guess how many sheep are in your flock, can I have one?" The farmer agreed.
She guessed, 387. The farmer said that was correct. So, go take your pick on which one you want. She went into the flock and then to her car.
The farmer stopped her, and asked, "If I can guess what your natural hair color is, can I have my DOG back?"
A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor
a man gets in who looks perfect -- 3-piece suit, great build,
nice butt. The bad part is they both noticed he had dandruff.
The man got off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors closed, the brunette turned to the blonde and said,
"Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replied, "How do you give Shoulders?"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows."51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
The blonde slaps him and yells, "We are not crude, we're classy!" The brunette points over to the veggies on the table next to them.
As he walks towards the table, another man walks up to the women, and asks, "Excuse me, do you know where the punch line is?" The blonde turns to the brunette and says, "Don't point--I got this one!" She daintily lifts her finger and points to the people standing next to the glass bowl filled with punch.
The man looks at her quizzically and turns towards the brunette.
"There is no punch line," she replies. "This joke just isn't funny!"
At that the blonde laughs.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if only I can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About a month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Well? Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde said, "No, a bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
"I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it." replied the blond.
"Did you drop it right here?" asked the cop.
"No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"
He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The Blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his schwartz immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!"
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."
A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.
Her reply: "My computer keeps telling me I have mail."
A redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."
*Poof* the mirror swallows her up.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." *Poof* the mirror swallows her.
Then, an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think.…" *Poof*
"Anything??"
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"
"Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does.
He then says, "Get on your knees."
She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper."
She does.
He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."
With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, holds it close to her lips, takes a deep breath and says, "Hello...Mom?"
The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffy, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?" "Perfectly," said Buffy.
Buffy goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . . Seven minutes pass. . . . and Judy is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffy. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!" Buffy said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" she cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the police phone rang a second time, and a voice came on the line and said, "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paintwork. An empty cheque stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
Then at that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the Auto Club and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," says the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
"Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
"What's the picture of?" he asks. "It's of a big rooster," she replies. "All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look."
When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out. He looks at the jigsaw and says, "For Pete's sake - put the Corn Flakes back in the box."
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
They begin to walk through the desert, and soon stop to rest. At this point the blonde and the brunette turn to the redhead and ask her why she brought the food. She replies, "Well, in case I get hungry I'll have something to eat."
They all think this is pretty reasonable and then the redhead and the blonde turn to the brunette and ask her why she decided to bring water. The brunette replies, "Well, in case I got thirsty I'll have something to drink." They all decide that's a good idea, too.
Finally, the brunette and the redhead turn to the blonde and ask her why on earth she would take the car door. She replies, "Well, I thought if I got hot I could roll down the window."
He thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on. Her reply was "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The blond man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright", said the clerk. "How long do you need them?" The blond men paused for a minute and said, "Uh...I'd better go check."
After awhile, the blond returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.
And she said........
(This is good...)
(Ready?)
(Remember, she's a blonde...)
"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, Asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up.
"You stay out of this, Mister; I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine," the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
He replied, "No. I am supplying the paint; she is just painting."
Later on the blonde came back and said, "I painted your porch. I had so much paint, I painted it a few times. And by the way, it wasn't a porch, it was a Ferrari!"